THE WHITE ISSUE
APRIL FOOLS! The perfect day to to pop buff4′s cork!
Finally figured out an angle from which to approach this pet project of mine. After some great debate, I’ve settled upon a colour theme. Each colour may have paradoxical implications which suits buff4 just fine because health is one of those continually evolving organisms.
Introducing the THE WHITE ISSUE
Why white as a start off? Primarily because it’s my least favourite colour and more importantly the semantics of white include: fresh original and pure.
On the darker side of white we also get associations with mourning, fraud and surrender.
From the neutral side, well it’s all looking white.
So, the three sides of white are like each side to a story; our side, your side and the truth!
IN THIS ISSUE:
My Buddha, The Cockroach in spiritualEyz.
The Adventures of Gung Ho appears in sexR.
Scooby Snacks in nutrients.
I Come in Peace, discourse on Disease Free Health.
The Green House Elections begin in the green.
Give us Your 2 Cents in rebuff.
PLUS
Current buffOOn award recipient.
ummm’s latest observations.
sphincter-isms
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SPHINCTER
Your sphincter, the anal one, is about the size of a dime, closed, for the average person. The average size of toilet paper per sheet is 11 cm by 10 cm. Ten times the size of your sphincter. So why is it that when some people use it, they use a half a roll and clog the toilet in such a wonderful display of expressionism? I imagine after unraveling half the
roll and re-raveling it, your forearms must be exhausted. No worries, I’ll flush the disgusting mess for you asswipe.
Part ii
The rough dimensions of a porcelain throne are 12 inches by 12 inches plus. Last time i checked, the diameter of a stream of urine is maybe 3 millimeters. No wonder your woman’s dissatisfied with your sex life, if you can’t find your way around a toilet hole a foot by a foot, you don’t have a chance in hell with hers.
Don’t stop the body rock til your eyesight goes hazy and while you’re at it, please don’t wipe your sweat off the exercise machine. And Herc, while you’re at it, those 2 ten pound plates you were pressing and groaning like a constipated ape about, I’ll get them and put them back too.
There is no I in ‘me, me, me’ but it all sounds the same anyways.
Why is it every time a politician’s name is slandered, usually truthfully, they file a defamation of character suit? If the self-serving boneheads ever had any character no slander would occur now, would it?
Coming full sphincter, how come fast food restaurants don’t have to recycle? Half of their waste is made from recyclable materials?
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My Buddha, The Cockroach
I was away from home for the first time in 12 years. First trip anywhere without the family. First trip with a girlfriend. First trip that turned out to be a 3 month backpacking adventure in Thailand. First 14 hours of a 72 hour determination, no sleep allowed, full on meditation, in a 10 by 25 foot room. First time attacked by a cockroach
How is it that you can go over 2 weeks without seeing a single solitary roach (which during the trip was a common occurrence) and then get attacked by one? Are roaches not worthy enough to be on temple grounds and this was a renegade roach? How did I find myself in this predicament?
Up to the point prior to that trip I was a typical quarter century westerner from Canada. Ignorant. Structured. Uptight. In dependency-issue denial. Well that all fell apart, right about the time I asked the question as we entered the temple gates, “What are we going to do all day, nothing?”
I hate cockroaches. Pretty harsh indictment. Don’t even know why I hate them so much until I started writing this. It’s a ‘hate’ program downloaded into my brain by society. The attack may literally have been its way of trying to get my attention to wake up. Maybe it was seeking revenge for all the roaches I had killed before. I think he wanted equality with all the other insects that I would make efforts not to kill. I’ve sincerely avoided stepping on ants or caterpillars yet this roach has none of my respect.
White can seem hopeless, undefined with no boundaries, forever expanding. That’s one of the reasons why it’s used to make small spaces look larger and brighter. At the point I heard the skitter of the roach on the floor making a bee line for my head, I knew this small space was about to get amplified.
One of the cool aspects of the temple keepers was that although they practiced Buddhism, they didn’t preach it or try to convert you. They instructed you in the ways of meditative technique for you to come to your own understanding of things. If you had a general interest in their devotion, they gladly imparted their experience upon you. Well folks, I was at a crossroads staring this indignant roach down. I kid you not, he, ‘it’, she, was sizing me up as I quickly tried making sense of my circumstances. You have permission to laugh because if there were any witnesses to what occurred that night, damn, this one’s got to be on their top ten list of hysterical moments. A 5’8, 150 pound athlete about to get into a scrap with a 4 inch featherweight beetle. Will it be a death duel? Had any of my inner exploration led me to a greater connection to my universe, roaches included?
Allow me to digress some more before I wrap this up. The roach made no attempts to leave. It didn’t run away from me. It did not fear me at all. For at least the first couple of minutes, I think it felt the inner turmoil raging inside me, and then the chase began. After what seemed an eternity, I finally captured him. However, his capture quickly turned into a bigger dilemma. I had trapped him about three feet up on a wall under a bowl. Brilliant. I could hear it doing laps around the bowl’s circumference looking for an escape route. Or perhaps it knew that once I lifted the bowl a fraction of an inch, round two would begin. I must have stood there for ten minutes trying to figure out how the hell I was going to extricate this thing from my quarters and return to serene bliss. The killer instinct in me was seething; “Crush it!” was the cry for resolution. After my heart stopped pounding and my head started to clear, the lifesaving solution presented itself in the form of a piece of paper. I created a lid on the bowl by sliding it (which had some Buddhist words of wisdom on it) under the bowl. Luckily for me, this roach’s makeshift transport vessel worked out perfectly. I chucked it out the door and into the night. At some point in all this I had decided not to kill this roach. Won’t even question why. Maybe the potential guilt would leave a bad taste in my mouth after what had been a mind-blowing experience.
There seems to be so much time and energy devoted to attaining enlightenment or a preconceived notion of it created by many authors. I sometimes think religions were created just to confuse us more. Think about how much simpler our lives would be if we didn’t have to unravel or disassociate ourselves from so much dogmatic crap. Or better yet, enlist the presence of our most vile dislike to open our eyes and clear out some old archaic notions. My Buddha, the cockroach, ten years later.
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THE GREEN HOUSE ELECTIONS
This is my first run for election to the Green House! And I won’t beat around the bush! My first foray into eco-politics will address the following issue: how do you make basic moves to tune in with nature’s language?
Al Gore can continue his fine job of global mobilization regarding green house gases. I’m going to focus on a grassroots approach to the former eco-buzz, conservation. What have I done to implement a policy of conservation and how can you follow in my footprint? Looking at my everyday agenda the proceeding 5 point platform was developed:
PAPER CLIP
One aspect of my greening was to reduce paper consumption in a number of different ways.
Purchase printing paper that has a recycled component.
Stopped purchasing newspapers and read the news online.
Reduced the amount of paper I use for handwriting and got into the habit of using my computer for all drafts. This took a couple years to fully implement. I’m a creature of habit but I’ve definitely become more efficient without having to rewrite handwritten notes.
For the paper that I do write on or print off, that is not used, the paper doubles as scrap.
AROUND THE HOUSE
I donate old clothing. I have a maxim; something comes in something goes out. I purged my clutter years ago and may have taken minimalism a bit too far but I have greater balance and more space. Moving around a lot helped me reduce the amount of stuff I held on to.
THE ONE THAT DIDN’T TAKE ROOT
I used to run a landscaping company and truly wanted to utilize those old push reel mowers. I experimented on my mom’s lawn and let’s just say that the results were not too good.
BIG WHEEL
Well, currently I ride a bicycle. Quite a switch from the V8 Dodge Dakota Sport but the truck was no longer economically viable. I think on a personal level, when it comes time to acquire a new one, I’ll forsake aesthetics and power for practicality and get a hybrid (unless I win the lottery and scoop a TESLA).
AQUA
I drink roughly 2 liters of water per day. That was adding up to a lot of plastic bottles in the blue bin. So my two a day habit got an upgrade to a Nalgene bottle and Brita water filter mechanism. Savings were immediate and I actually enjoy the taste of Brita water in comparison to some of the bottled variations.
BAGGAGE
I conducted an ad hoc experiment for personal usage:
Daily visits to stores (grocery store, corner store, other retail outlets, fast food chains.) and number of bags that would be given out: 5
Potential number of bags – weekly: 35
Number of bags taken home weekly from grocery and convenience stores by Canadians: 55 million [1]
Annual potential baggage accumulation: 1820
Number of bags I accept on a weekly basis: 3
Annually: 152
Cost savings to retailers: (plastic bags cost 1 cent to manufacture) $16.68 [2]
Hmmm..I think I should get something for this…
How often I recycle unused bags: Once a month.
Alternate means of bagging: my backpack, reusing bags.
References:
1. http://www.nowtoronto.com/issues/2004-04-08/news_insight.php
2. http://www.changeeverything.ca/living_plastic_free_shopping_bags_2
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BACK IN THE DAY
Recently I was reading about a survey asking teenaged youth about their exposure to and usage of the internet for porn. Please note, they had their parent’s authorization and if I’m not mistaken, some parents may have been present during the response period. Like that isn’t going to skew the results. Like I’m going to admit that I dig sites like MILF HUNTER and BOOKWORM BITCHES with my parents looking over my shoulder.
So this study got me thinking about what the good old days were like:
TOP SHELF
Do you know how hard it was to ‘temporarily borrow’ a porn mag from the top shelf of the local pharmacy without getting caught?
MORE ON THE TOP SHELF
When you’re four foot nothing, that top shelf is a monumental task
ARE YOU HAPPY TO SEE ME OR
Is that a magazine in your pocket??? Stuffed in the back of my pants, tucked in my underwear with the back of my jacket covering half of my ass. Nothing like making a clean getaway. Until of course you’re snoopy mom finds your stash stuffed between the mattresses.
I TRIM BUSH FOR A LIVING
Certain anatomical landscapes are much easier to navigate nowadays then back then.
You had to be a forest ranger to make your way through the African Lion Safari. Gotta love those Brazilians.
I’M AN EQUAL OPPORTUNIST BUSH TRIMMER
Guys, guys, guys, tooth floss is made of some synthetic material. Get the hint. Speaking of tooth floss, when you’re trimmed, the grass is always larger 
SPEAKING OF TURF
Artificial turf that is, the silicon type is so not appealing. I remember this one time, caressing this hot body, no pun intended, I came across these two icebergs. Like ten degrees cooler. WTF?
BLACK DOTS
I’m not talking about your anus either. There was nothing more infuriating to see than this pictorial series of some heavy action ruined by black dot censorship. If I was a magazine publisher, I would have at least thought of some way to make it a creative scratch and sniff medium. I remember being such a desperate teen that I thought putting the magazine up to a light bulb would allow me to see through the black dot. Only good that did was create a scorched black dot on the other side.
THESE WALLS HAVE EYES
No, not the glory hole kind either. Blame it on peer pressure. In my case sheer stupidity. To listen to a dare from the same kid that got us kicked out of morning mass because he thought my lunch was ‘make belief baloney’ opposed to ‘maple leaf baloney.’ Well, you know shit’s gonna hit the fan. In a jam packed auditorium with students on the floor and grade school teachers lined up on the walls, never, never, never look up a teachers skirt. Shit, if you’re sitting down and you still have to bend over to get a view up an ankle length skirt, it is so not worth the ass-kicking you get from your pops when he’s called into the principal’s office to pick you up.
WHO DOESN’T
Masturbate? For real? Raise your hand. Squinting my eyes, I don’t see any hands! Hyuk Hyuk. And if you don’t, please, please, please, pretty please with sugar on top, START! Inhibited neurotic individuals that are not comfortable in their own skin are the reason why Vaseline was created. Loosen up and get a grip already.
FAMOUS LAST WORDS
Wish I could take credit for this but a buddy I used to play ball hockey with (ya ya, like I’m not setting myself up) had these wise words to say about masturbating: Never waste a good hard-on. So, kid, tell me more about this MILF HUNTER stuff.
Ok, that took me two minutes; wake me up when you’ve read the rest of the material on this site. Cheers!
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E A T S H I T
Man loses his appetite after reading the complete list of ingredients on the package of cooked ham and finds dog shit in the recipe. Cause of the mix-up at British food processor H.R. Hargreaves & Son is a disgruntled employee.
EFFECTIVE or DEFECTIVE
Company fires employee.
Company recalls all mislabeled packages.
Man loses appetite and doesn’t eat his meal.
LIST of INGREDIENTS (potential) in PROCESSED COOKED HAM (one version)
CURED WITH: Water, Salt, Sodium Tripolyphosphate, Sugar, Dextrose, Monosodium Glutamate, Sodium Erythorbate, Hydrolyzed Soy Protein, Sodium Nitrite
Serving Size: 2 oz (56g)
Calories: 60
Cholesterol: 30 mg
Sodium: 550
LIST of INGREDIENTS in DOG SHIT
Potentially cooked ham which actually isn’t a good thing for the dog’s health.
Coliform bacteria
Intestinal worms
There are no poisons in dog’s feces, unless the dog ingested a toxin prior to having the bowel movement. Dogs sometimes have intestinal worms which can cause problems if the eggs or infective larvae are transmitted to people. (1)
WOULD YOU WANT TO EAT THIS?
CONSIDERATION #1
The word ham means pork which comes from the hind leg of a hog.
Hams are either ready-to-eat or not. Ready-to-eat hams include prosciutto and fully cooked hams; they can be eaten right out of the package.
Curing is the addition of salt, sodium nitrate (or saltpeter), nitrites and sometimes sugars, seasonings, phosphates and ascorbates to pork for preservation, color development and flavor enhancement.
Nitrate and nitrites contribute to the characteristic cured flavor and reddish-pink color of cured pork. Nitrite and salt inhibit the outgrowth of Clostridium botulinum, a deadly microorganism which can occur in foods. The nitrates and nitrites create cancer-causing chemicals when overcooked, so avoid eating ham that has been browned or blackened.(2)
CONSIDERATION #2
In the run up to the Christmas season ham processors in the UK took a potentially critical sales hit today from a consumer watchdog, which blasted them for selling mostly ‘a cocktail of water and additives’ and for hiding the fact from the public. (3)
CONSIDERATION #3
Recent work at Oklahoma State University has shown that ham can he satisfactorily processed in less than 15 hr from time of slaughter by accelerated processing techniques. Since these techniques by-pass the conventional ZP-hr chilling treatment, the number and types of bacteria present are of concern.(4)
CONSIDERATION #4 – SAMPLE of the INGREDIENTS in COOKED HAM
SODIUM NITRATE
Sodium nitrate is used in glass and match manufacture, pickling meats, as a fertilizer and in enamels in pottery. HANDLING: Dangerous fire hazard and explosion risk when in contact with organic materials and reducing agents. Avoid ingestion and inhalation. Since no exposure limit has been established by OSHA and ACGIH, we recommend that our product be treated as a nuisance dust 15mg/m3. See the MSDS for more information.(5)
SODIUM TRIPOLYPHOSPHATE
It is used in various applications such as a preservative for seafood, meats, poultry and pet foods. It is also used in toothpaste and as a builder in soaps and detergents, improving their cleansing ability.
STPP is a solid inorganic compound used in a large variety of household cleaning products, mainly as a builder, but also in human foodstuffs, animal feeds, industrial cleaning processes and ceramics manufacture. STPP is widely used in regular and compact laundry detergents and automatic dishwashing detergents (in powder, liquid, gel and/or tablet form), toilet cleaners, and surface cleaners. (6)
HYRDOLYZED SOY PROTEIN
The extraction process of hydrolysis involves boiling in a vat of acid (e.g., sulfuric acid) and then neutralizing the solution with a caustic soda. The resultant sludge is scraped off the top and allowed to dry. In addition to soy protein it contains free-form excitotoxic amino acids (e.g.,MSG) and other potentially harmful chemicals including cancer-causing chemicals in many cases. A newer method of hydrolysis involves the use of bacteria by itself or in addition to the chemical processes described above. There is a possibility that genetically-manipulated bacteria may be used.
The food industry sometimes uses large amount of hydrolyzed proteins as a “taste enhancer” because it contains significant amounts of MSG (monosodium glutamate). This is what is known in the food industry as “Clean Labels” – adding MSG to food, without having to list it as “MSG” on the label.
In almost all cases, hydrolyzed soy protein contains a significant amount of genetically manipulated soy. The hydrolyzed protein products currently added to foods should be considered a detriment to one’s health. There are much healthier sources of soy protein and soy nutrients. (7)
It seems that dog shit may be a better alternative as an all-natural processed food?
Sources:
(1) http://www.vetinfo.com/deatpoop.html
(2) http://www.alanskitchen.com/Ingredients/Meat/Ham.htm
(3) (http://www.cee-foodindustry.com/news/ng.asp?n=63674-which-ham-additives
(4) Oklahoma Agricultural Experiment Statiorc, Stillwater, Oklahoma 74075
(5) http://www.hummelcroton.com/data/nano3_d.html
(6) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sodium_tripolyphosphate
(7) http://www.soyinfo.com/soydefs.shtml#hsp
